Be careful what you wish for and other cautionary clichés

So here’s a picture of my fav dog of all time. A Frenchie. Why does a little stinky puppy face put things into perspective for me? This little nugget of gummy love was on set with us Saturday so we had to take his pic. Handsome, isn't he?




So it’s been intense, at least one big shoot a week for the past few weeks. One more left before I go to London.

I was feeling pumped and excited about work then I had a bit of a crash.

People have been playing tiny violins for me.

I am grateful for my work, it’s lucky to do what you love, and have it be something that’s so mutable and playful and active. BUT. How do you craft a career path? How do you sustain a business and keep it sacred? How do you maintain and propagate the parts of it you love? You can’t lose those parts, because if you do it’s empty and meaningless and you won’t love it anymore.

Maybe it’s meeting with all these agents -about 2 a week for the past 3 weeks and hearing different things from all of them. I get so confused. Some want to see a bigger book, some want to see a smaller book, some want it separated out, others want it integrated. Some like our Men, some only like our Women. Some say we’re too artsy others say we’re too commercial. We often get told we’re un-categorize-able. That feels simultaneously awesome and defeating. Some TOTALLY get us, but aren’t signing anyone, some don’t get us at all, which feels consternating. It is a maddening process. Exciting, enlightening, exhausting…

Maybe it’s shooting lovely pictures only to have the ones I don’t love as much get printed. Maybe it’s feeling like we’ve got a style and then being approached by clients to shoot in a way that looks nothing like us. Maybe it’s being in the U.S. where it feels as if innovation is not as valued as emulation.

There is something going on in the creative fields in general in the US. I see the tele and I don’t know if I’m watching a music video or a TV commercial or a new teen drama. Everything looks the same, high contrast, choppy edits, super gloss. I know there are pockets of originality, but they’re few and far between, risk taking isn’t compatible with commerce, I guess. That’s so against my philosophy of anything. I feel like the only way to really live, to really change or create is with risk, not recklessly, but conscientious, decisive risk.

I think I feel small right now, as well.

…All the better to hear the tiny violin...

It’s political too. I used to hear that in relation to academia, but it’s everywhere, everything’s political. And it’s endurance. Can you stick around long enough to prove to the ones in control that you REALLY mean it, that you’re really dedicated? Pay your dues, they say.

Look at my bank statements and tell me if I’m paying my dues.

This is not defeatism. There simply is a natural up and down with anything. But there is something about commercialising your passion -trying to preserve its truth while also making it lucrative, that’s a very tight rope to walk.

-Mils